November 1, 2006

Loving at ones own expense is a very hard thing to do.  I get this concept.  I understand this is what the bible teaches.  I know how it works.  However, at times, I cannot get over myself to know that how I have blessed another persons life is enough.  I am overwhelmed with a sense of being used, mistreated and taken for granted of in the end.  Perhaps I have un-dealt with bitter root-judgments, vows that must be broken or maybe that is just how it is suppose to be, being that my flesh is weaker than my spirit.  Whatever the case, I have not yet mastered the joy that is seemingly suppose to come after completing my task at loving someone better than myself.  This is my hearts desire, but…

I have been stabbed in the back, stabbed in the heart, stabbed in the eye and have even stabbed my own self in the foot trying to attain some sense of  integrity in dealing with this issue.  I have been betrayed by those who I have held closest to my heart, have sacrificed for and loved like they were part of my family.  Forgiveness is key.  I know this.  Misunderstood am I.  I should hold myself fortunate enough to have drunk from the Savior’s cup and yet…

I have knowledge and wisdom beyond my years, but still find myself frozen in my own pain at times.  I know the scriptures and how to pray.  I know Jesus will stand in the gap at any moment, all I have is to ask.  I know how to allow the Father to hold me like his child and be still in that very moment.  I am quite capable in allowing the Holy Spirit to woo my heart as I worship.  I know the things I ought to do and the things I know not to do.

I am mindful that I need to surrender on a daily basis, however this is easier said than done.  God knows my heart and that should be enough, right?  I will just count my blessings and keep moving forward in the things He has called me in, for that is all I really have control over.  May I have the courage in not allowing my misfortunes to change me for the worse.  I am not a victim!

So, I am going to embrace what I have learned because I know that for all the times I have Received the Judas Kiss… in many places of my life, I have also Given It.

Revelation 21:5
He who was seated on the throne said, "I am making everything new!" Then he said, "Write this down, for these words are trustworthy and true."